Number

A kindergarten teacher asked her students ...

Teacher: "Who in this class who knows the number?"

Razif: "I know"

Teacher: "Do you know the numbers?"

Razif: "Yes teacher .. I have learned with my father"

Teacher: "Okay .. let's see ... after 3 .. how?"

Razif: "4"

Teacher: "Well ... after 6?"

Razif: "7"

Teacher: "Yes .. Well .. after 9?"

Razif: "10"

Teacher: "Yes .. Well done ... your father seems to really care about your education .... Finally after ten.... how?"

Razif: "Jack, Queen, & King"

Died Every Friday Morning

One of ICU beds in the room of a hospital often experience events leading odd .. Each patient will be placed there, died on Friday morning of each day regardless of age, gender, or their health This is very confusing for doctors ... Then the doctors decided to monitor the bed ...

Upon arriving next Friday ... some doctors prepared to identify the cause of death in the bed where the young man when a patient is asleep ... Some doctors hold the Koran as a preparation for Yassin and spirits drive ..

Spinning time ... at 08:00 am .. 08:30 am up at 9.00 am ... all of a sudden ... ... ICU room door was open ... . Then go Aunt Surgery ...A part-time workers as cleaners who only served every Friday .. Login ... approaching the sacred bed ... and continue to pull ...electrical socket for the respirator to turn for help .. vakum cleaner ...

Short Funny

Man: My father was great. He was the police. Everyone is afraid of him.
Ali: Hahaha, my father is more greatest. When he asked the subject, that person would be subject ..
Man: Wow! What your father working?
Ali: Barber.

Doctor: You should take this medication 3 tbsp per day.
Patient: Uh! Can not be a doctor.
Doctor: Why?
Patient: My house is only have two tablespoons.

Teacher: Hasan, connect 2 of this section into one. 'Ali ride bicycles to school. Ali saw the corpses. "
Hasan: Ali saw the corpses ride bicycles to school.

Moni: From this morning I was not full-meal satiety.
Sasi: You eat what?
Mony: Wind!

Egg Seller

Buyer: "Sis, how many eggs per kilo?"

Seller: "chicken or duck eggs?"

Buyer: "egg."

Seller: normal egg or chicken? "

Buyer: "ordinary chicken."

Seller: "The local or the imported?"

Buyer: "The local."

Seller: "The wish of the local Ipoh, Kuala Selangor
or Tampin?

Buyer: "The Ipoh lah ..." (As he looks upset).

Seller: "Want to Ipoh Central, West, East, North or South?"

Buyer: "You want to sell the eggs or the streets?"

Seller: "Sorry brother, I am selling noodles in the stew. Incidentally
The eggs sell out to eat. I asked to speak first to the buyer until he comes!

Can U Play?

A man approached a neighbor's house and knocked on the door ...
When the young woman opened the door of your house .. the man was asked ...

"Miss ... Miss can play the sex?"

Because the shock ... The young women hit the door of his house... However, the man would have just knocked on the door and
asking the same question. This time the young woman was screaming as hard hearts
as he drove his neighbor was not indecent ...

That night .. she was telling embarrassing afternoon
to her husband. Her husband promised to wait for the next rude boy
day when he comes again.

It was true ... the next day the same man came again and
knocked on the door. The woman immediately opened the door while her husband
while holding a gun to hide ...

The man continued to ask ..
"... Miss. can or not play the sex?"

"Must be good .. why ask this question sir?"
She said with a bold ...

"Good if you know ..." the man said ...
"Then Miss  .. satisfy your husband and tell him to keep away from
my wife! "

In The Hospital

Four people will be the baby's birth father is waiting for their break room of a hospital. Anxiety clear indication on their faces ...

A nurse came out of the operating room said the first man, "Congratulations! sir's wife gave birth to twins safe. "
"Double double! Coincidently, I worked at the iconic Petronas Twin Towers, "said the first man.

A few minutes later, another nurse came to tell the second man, "Her Excellency safely give birth to triplets. Congratulations!
"What? Triplets! I work with 3D Corporation, said the second man.

Half an hour later, a nurse tells the third man, "Congratulations!Wife of Mr. secure. Lord blessed the four twins "the nurse said quietly.
"Twin four! I really do not suspect this incident, I was working at the Four Season Hotel, "said the third man to be happy.

The four men began paced anxiety. The three men had surprised to see the fourth man. They ask,
"What worries you?"
With a whirl he replied "I work at Seven Eleven."

Papa and Mama

In the morning, a young man out of his room and asked her grandmother:

"Grandma, where Papa and Mama?"
"They are still in the room ..." her grandmother replied.

Child was laughing and then breakfast and then go to school alone.When home .. the son asked her grandmother:

"Where are Papa and Mama?"
"They are still in the room" her grandmother replied back.

The child giggled, and then spent eating tengaharinya and go play.At night then son had come home for dinner. Before eating, the child then asked her grandmother:

"Where are Papa and Mama?"
"Still in the room" said the grandmother.

The child giggled.

"Why is the last I just noticed you laugh?" asked her grandmother with a high tone.

The child answered,

"Yesterday, my Dad came into the room to ask for skin moisturizing gel, but I give her glue.. Super Glue!"

Celebrate the anniversary

While celebrating the anniversary of the 25-year marriage, a wife reminded her husband: 

"Do you remember when you talk to me, u want marry me, I was so amazed that I cannot speak for an hour?"

Her husband said:

"Yes, dear, it is one of the happiest hours of my life!"

Died Elephant

A manager of a zoo received a phone call about the death of an elephant at the zoo. As a measure of inspection, the manager went to the elephant barn and found there a man cries next to a dead elephant.

Manager: "As the keeper of an elephant, I understand the grief that you incur because of our defense when the animal is dead."

Male: "I am not an elephant keeper, the owner. But I was assigned to dig graves and bury them!"

After Die

Dinner that night last year, Ajoi hang in front of the TV while talking to his wife.

Ajoi: "When the brother died, whether not marry again?"

Wife: "Of course not! Your sister would sit with me. How are u if I died, u not married again?"

Ajoi: "Absolutely not, the same kind of u ... i will live with your sister...

Why Monkey Fall Outta The Tree?

Why'd the monkey fall outta the tree? 

'cause he was dead... 

Why'd the other monkey fall outta the tree? 

'cause he was dead too... 

Why'd the third monkey fall outta the tree? 

peer pressure...

Playing Golf

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. 

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." 

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband 

"Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows." 

The wife screams back, 

"DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

So Cold

There's an Ahmish girl riding in a buggy with her mother, and she say's "my hands are really cold, how can I warm them up?" 

Her mother say's "Put them between your legs, that will warm them up." 

So she does, and her mother was right. The next day the girl is riding in the buggy with her boyfriend, and he says his hands are cold, so the girl say's, "Put them between my legs, that will warm them up." 

So he does, and his hands get warm. The next day he has a cold nose, and they use the same remedy. The day after that he say's "My dick is really cold" and the girl says, "Put it between my legs and warm it up." 

So he does. She's talking to her mother the next day and she asks, "Mom have you ever heard of a penis?" Her mother says, "Yes, why do you ask?" 

She says I don't know what they are, but they make an awful mess when they thaw out!

Small World

Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette. 

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them." 

The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back.

He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small World!"

Equipment

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap.

While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. 

Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, "Reading my book." 

The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!" 

Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape." 

The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you." 

To which the lady replied, "Yes; but you have all the equipment!"

New Way To Loose Weight

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his
doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an
advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like
heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do.
He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight
loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers,
there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe
dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her
neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well,
without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't).
A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has
his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last
time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company
does business.

For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing
happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure
enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat
more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he
calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight
loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems
like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might
be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he
answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but
a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply
stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces
herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign
reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a
shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch
her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is
wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to
the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up
and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the
sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20
pounds. I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew
losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.

Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and
subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are
you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most
rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't
felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his
door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200
pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes
and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative
of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.

On Elevator

A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in
it. He turns around to
push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her
breast. He says, "Oh, I'm
so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be
able to forgive me." She
looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis
is as hard as your
elbow, I'm in room 204."

Old Man

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is
it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer . . ."

Anak Yang Baik Sesangat

Dua orang wanita yang sudah lama tidak berhubung akhirnya bertemu di sebuah pasar.. Mereka masing-masing bercerita tentang keluarganya.... 

Wanita 1: "Aku ada seorang anak lelaki yang kelakuannya sangat sempurna" 

Wanita 2: "Apakah dia merokok?" 

Wanita 1: "Oh, tidak!...tidak sama sekali!" 

Wanita 2: "Dia kekadang minum bir?" 

Wanita 1: "Oh, tidak! Dia anak yang baik-baik" 

Wanita 2: "Dia kuat bersosial... dan selalu pulang larut malam ke rumah?" 

Wanita 1: "Tidak pernah sama sekali! Namanya juga anak terbaik dalam keluarga" 

Wanita 2: "Wah, nampaknya dia betul-betul anak lelaki yang sempurna, berapa usianya?" 

Wanita 1: "Minggu depan akan genap usianya enam bulan!"

Bau Guna Sudu

Seorang lelaki buta memasuki sebuah restoran. Amin, pemilik restoran itu 

juga berperanan sebagai pelayan mendatanginya dan menghulurkan menu. 

"Saya orang buta dan saya tak boleh membaca menu.Tolong bawakan sudu kotor 

yang telah dipakai oleh pengunjung sebelumnya dan saya akan menciumnya. Dari 

situ nanti saya tahu masakan apa yang enak untuk dipesan," kata lelaki buta 

tersebut. 

Amin mengumpulkan beberapa sudu bekas dipakai yang ada dan memberikannya 

kepada lelaki tersebut. Ia mencium sudu itu dan akhirnya berkata, "Saya 

pesan ikan pais dan sayur masak asam bang"............ 

Dengan agak terperanjat Amin mencatat pesanan lelaki buta itu. Menu itu 

memang menjadi kegemaran para pengunjung restoran tersebut. Beberapa hari 

kemudian lelaki buta tersebut datang lagi. Sekali lagi dia minta sudu bekas 

dipakai untuk dicium, tetapi bukan yang habis dipakai utk makan ikan pais 

dan sayur masak asam. Hanya ada satu sudu yang habis dipakai untuk makan 

menu lainnya. 

Amin memberikannya 

kepada lelaki buta tersebut yang kemudian memcium sudu itu dan berkata, 

"Bau sudu yang ini sedap juga, seperti 

habis diguna untuk makan ayam 

bakar dengan sayur ulam dan sambal 

belacan." Amin mengiyakan dan si 

lelaki buta memesan makanan tersebut. 

Lelaki buta itu untuk ketiga kalinya datang semula beberapa hari kemudian. 

Dia datang lebih awal ketika belum 

ada satupun pengunjung yang datang sehingga tidak ada sudu bekas diguna yang 

boleh diberikan untuk dihidu. Entah dari mana datangnya, tiba-tiba sifat 

nakal bodoh Amin muncul. Dia menghampiri isterinya yang berperanan 

sebagai tukang masak di dapur. Diberikannya satu sudu dan berkata, "Yati, 

kamu usapkan sudu ini di 

ketiak kamu" 

"Apa-apa lah abang ni ?" tanya Yati tak faham. 

"Sudahlah ikut je lahhhh, untuk kemajuan restoran kita," kata Amin setengah 

memaksa. Yati menurut, mengusapkan sudu tersebut di "ketiak! nya" dan 

menyerahkan kembali kepada Amin. 

Dibawanya sudu tersebut ke lelaki buta yang duduk menunggu. Lelaki buta 

itupun menghidu sudu itu, dengan 

mengernyitkan keningnya, lelaki buta 

tersebut berkata, "Aku tidak menyangka makwe lamaku Yati bekerja di 

sini....... boleh saya jumpa dia" 

Amin: ????????????????.(bengang) 

Sesungguhnya Cinta itu Butaaaaaa.....................

Soalan Sejarah

"Hei, kamu yang berdiri di belakang," tegur pensyarah 

"Cuba sebutkan individu yang terlibat dalam Perjanjian Pangkor!" 

"Maaf, saya tidak tahu.. encik" 

"Apa? tidak tahu? Baiklah, kalau begitu sebutkan saja tahun berapa perjanjian itu ditandatangani?" 

"Maaf, saya tidak tahu juga, encik.." 

"Tidak tahu sama sekali? Maklumat itu kan sudah saya berikan untuk dibaca minggu lalu. Jadi untuk apa kamu datang ke sini kalau tidak tahu?" 

"Mahu memeriksa kabel lampu ini encik... Saya petugas TNB"

Penjual Roti

Seorang penjual roti di langgar sebuah bas. Akibatnya, dia tercampak dari motor rotinya dan masuk ke dalam longkang.. 

Sementara itu rotinya bertaburan di atas jalan.. Sambil menyapu darah yang mengalir dari kepalanya.. dia terus merintih kesakitan. 

Tak lama kemudian datanglah pihak polis menghampirinya dan bertanya.. 

"Ada apa encik..? Ada apa ?" 

Dengan suara yang perlahan dan dengan merintih kesakitan.. penjual roti itu berkata, 

"Adaaaaaa rotii kejuuuuuuu ... Adaaaaaa rotii coklaaaattt ..."

Saksi Bunuh

Dalam satu perbicaraan kes bunuh,seorang doktor mengesahkan kematian mangsa dipanggil sebagai saksi. 

Peguam: "Sebelum awak menandatangani surat kematian, adakah awak memeriksa denyutan nadi mangsa?" 

Saksi: "Tidak." 

Peguam: "Denyutan jantungnya, awak periksa?" 

Saksi: "Tidak." 

Peguam: "Pernafasannya?" 

Saksi: "Tidak." 

Peguam: "Jadi, ketika menandatangani surat kematian itu, awak tidak pasti lagi lelaki berkenaan masih bernafas atau tidak?" 

Saksi: "Saya tandatangani surat itu selepas melihat otak mangsa di atas meja lain di bilik saya, adakah itu belum cukup untuk pastikan mangsa sudah mati!"

Lurus Bendul Betul Bedul

Pak Mat seorang duda kematian isteri, ada anak nama Bedol yg lurus
bendul.Tahap maksima kebendulannya. Pak Mat susah hati mengenangkan jika
dia mati esok siapa nak tengok-tengokkan si Bedol ni. Keputusan diambil
untuk mengahwinkan si Bedol ni dengan seorang andalusia bernama Minah.

Pak Mat:’Bedol!bapak nak kawinkan kau dengan Minah! Setuju tak?’

Bedol:’Ikut suka bapak lah!.Saya ngikut saja’,kata Bedol selamba
walaupun dia tak tahu apa itu kawin.

Dipendekkan cerita maka berkahwin lah Bedol dengan Minah.

Pak Mat pening memikirkan macammana nak ajar Bedol apa-apa yg perlu
dibuat bila tidur dengan Minah sebab si Bedol ni lurus bendul.

Pada malam pertama sebelum masuk bilik Pak Mat bisik kat Bedol…

Pak Mat:’Bedol! Sebelum tidur kau bukak baju Minah!.

Bedol:’Baik pak!’

Besok pagi masa bersarapan Pak Mat tengok muka Minah masam je lalu
sambil berbisik dia bertanya Bedol…

Pak Mat:’kau dah buat macammana yg bapak ajar?’

Bedol:’dah pak! Saya bukak baju dia’

Pak Mat:’Lepas tu kau buat apa?’

Bedol:’Saya tidur’

Pak Mat garu kepala…

Pak Mat:’malam ni lepas kau bukak baju Minah,kau selak kain kau ya!’

Bedol:’Baik pak’

Malam berlalu…beso k masa sarapan pak Mat tengok Minah masam mencuka..

Pak Mat:’Kau buat apa yg bapak ajar malam tadi Dol?’

Bedol:’Dah pak’

Pak Mat:’Kau buat macam mana?’

Bedol:’Lepas bukak baju Minah saya selak kain saya!

Pak Mat:’Lepas tu?’

Bedol:’Lepas tu saya tidur’

Pak Mat merungut-rungut krn kebendulan melampau si Bedol…

Pak Mat:’Bedol!Malam ni lepas kau bukak baju Minah dan selak kain
engkau, kau masukkan anu engkau dalam anu Minah tau!!

Bedol:’Baik pak!’

Besok paginya Minah tak keluar sarapan sebagaimana biasa.Pak Mat
tersenyum memikirkan tentang keberkesanan ajarannya kat Bedol.Tiba-tiba
dia nampak Minah dengan wajah yg lagi masam dr semalam.Dahla macam tu
berjalan pun dihentaknya kaki kuat-kuat.

Pak Mat pandang Bedol…

Pak Mat:’kau dah buat macam bapak ajar malam tadi Dol?’

Bedol:’Dah pak!

Pak Mat:’kau buat macam mana?

Bedol:’Saya bukak baju Minah,saya selak kain saya dan masukkan anu saya
ke dalam anu Minah’

Pak Mat:’Bagus! Lepas tu?’

Bedol: ‘Lepas tu saya tidur’

Pak Mat betul-betul bengang dgn si Bedol..Takkan yg tu pun dia nak ajar
jugak…baik dia je yg kawin dgn Minah…seharian dia mundar-mandir
mencari idea…last- last idea pun datang dan dia pun bisikkan kat
Bedol…..

Pak Mat:’Bedol!Bapak nak tolong engkau ni tapi bapak tak buleh le
sebilik dengan engkau,bapak kat luar pintu je.Macam ni.lepas kau bukak
baju Minah,lepas kau selak kain engkau dan lepas kau masukkan anu engkau
dalam anu Minah kau tunggu bapak bunyikan botol,bunyi pertama kau sorong
anu kau dan bunyi kedua kau tarik anu engkau..begitu lah seterusnya,
faham? ‘

Bedol:’faham pak!janji bapak tolong Bedol ye!!’

Malam menjelang, Bedol dah ready menunggu bunyi botol,Pak Mat kat luar
pintu, setelah pasti Bedol dah bersedia dia pun”TOING” ketukan
pertama,Bedol pun sorong,”TOING” ketukan kedua Bedol pun tarik…
begitu la kerja Pak Mat….dia terdengar rengekan dari Bedol dan
Minah.dia berasa seronok kerana berjaya membuatkan Bedol bertindak sbg
seorang suami sejati…Last- last dia terdengar Bedol menjerit…
apa yang dijeritkan tu!!KUENG KUENG KUENG

Bedol:’Bapak! !Boleh lajukan ketuk botol tu tak?Apasal lembab sangat?

Pak Mat: #$%^*&)(*_)+++

Sosej

Ada kisah seorang anak yang diberi peluang untuk belajar di Amerika untuk dapatkan degree, tapi selepas 15 tahun, tak pernah lulus, akhirnya bapak dia dah tak sanggup lagi tanggung beban wang untuk anaknya itu, terpaksalah dia bawak balik ke Malaysia.

Sepanjang perjalanan dari airport ke rumah, bapaknya diam aje (marah la tu).

Si anak dah rasa tak best, so dia pun cari la idea untuk berbual & tunjuk pada bapak dia yang dia kat Amerika ada gain something la dgn pekembangan teknologi. So dia cakap dgn bapak dia:

Anak: Bapak tau tak, kat Amerika sekarang teknologi dah maju giler. Sekarang nak buat sosej tak payah nak sembelih lembu, buang kulit, masuk je lembu dalam machine, dah jadi sosej….

Bapak: Itu teknologi dah lapuk. Kat Malaysia lagi advance. Aku 32 tahun dulu, masukkan sosej aje dah keluar lembu sekor… menyusahkan plak tu…

3 Lelaki & JIN

ada 3 orang sahabat, mereka pergi berjumpa dengan dewa untuk meminta agar dewa tersebut menunaikan hajat masing2 untuk memuaskan nafsu mereka yang berlainan. setelah berjumpa, JIN telah mengenakan syarat iaitu mereka boleh meminta apa saja asalkan mereka sanggup untuk berada di dalam gua selama 10 tahun. maka mereka pun bersetuju dan mereka pun menjelaskan permintaan mereka kepada JIN tersebut. 

sahabat 1 merupakan kaki botol lalu beliau telah meminta arak yang banyak. sahabat 2 merupakan kaki perempuan maka beliau pun meminta perempuan yang cantik-cantik. sahabat ketiga pula merupakan perokok yang hardcore lalu meminta bekalan rokok yang banyak. selepas itu dewa pun bersetuju untuk menunaikan permintaan mereka.

lalu masuklah ketiga sahabat itu kedalam gua masing2 untuk menikmati permintaan yang telah mereka minta tadi…

setelah 10 tahun berlalu maka tibalah masa mereka bertiga untuk keluar..

sahabat 1 keluar dengan keadaan yang sangat mabuk dan perut boroi giler kerana terlalu banyak minum arak. beliau pun berkata kepada JIN “Terika kasih la JIN!”.

sahabat 2 keluar dengan keadaan lembik dan tidak bermaya kerana hari2 melayan perempuan2 yang cantik2. beliau pun berkata “Terima kasih la JIN”.

sahabat 3 juga keluar tetapi dengan keadaan marah dan berkata 

“cam gampang la ko JIN!!! 

BAGI ROKOK X BAGI LIGHTER!!!”

Bil Tepon

Bil telefon sebuah keluarga naik melambung. Suami telah memanggil semua ahli keluarga untuk berbincang;

Suami : Ini dah melampau. Gunakan telefon sesuka hati. Ayah tak gunakan telefon rumah, ayah gunakan telefon tempat ayah bekerja.

Isteri : Saya pun sama juga, gunakan telefon tempat saya bekerja.

Anak : Oh sori..saya gunakan SMS sahaja. Untuk panggilan saya gunakan telefon tempat saya bekerja juga.

Maid @ Bibik : Jadi apa masalahnya? Semua orang gunakan telefon tempat bekerja. Sama juga dengan saya!!!….

Ayang Vs Abang Vs Ayang

Ayang nak mintak kebenaran abang untuk bawa anak-anak balik ke kampung. abang tak perlu hantar ayang sebab ayang mampu untuk bawa anak-anak ke kampung musim cuti sekolah ni dengan bas.. abang jagalah diri abang dan kereta abang baik-baik… cuma ada perkara yang ingin ayang luahkan disini… kereta baru abang tu mahal.. harga mencecah 100k barangkali.. sebab tu abang sayangkan kereta abang lebih dari ayang.. sampaikan abang dah terlena dalam kereta abang tu sejak abang beli 3 bulan yang lalu dah masuk 3 malam… abang sayangkan kereta abang lebih dari ayang, nak tau ngape?

Harga kereta abang tu lebih mahal dari wang hantaran yang ayah ayang letakan masa kita kahwin dulu.. cuba hantaran ayang lebih mahal dari harga kereta abang?

Tiap-tiap pagi abang mesti gosok kereta abang, nak nampak berkilat..tapi ayang nak dapat kiss g.morning pun susah

Sejak beli kereta tu, sebulan sekali macam-macam aksesori abang beli kat kereta, ayang nak dapat hadiah besday setahun sekali pun susah..

Kereta sebulan sekali abang servis, abang kata kena jaga maintainance…ayang nak dapat pi salon setahun sekali pun susah..

Kereta abang make up lawa-lawa.. tapi kalau ayang make up lawa-lawa abang kata ayang tak sedar diri kereta abang bagi makan minyak mahal-mahal cecah 100 setin pun ada, ayang nak makan pizza sekeping jer masa mengidam anak kedua kita abang kata ayang mengada-ngada.

Kereta abang kalau anak-anak sentuh sikit bodynya abang marah anak macam nak makan, ayang jatuh longkang besar boleh abang gelak

Paling menyedihkan.. ayang tanya ngape tidur dalam kereta? abang jawab takut orang curi kereta abang.. kalau ayang kena curi??

Ayang nak balik kampung dulu.. anak-anak nak jumpa atuk dengan nenek depa.. tak nak naik kereta abang takut calar.. ayang calar takpe.. jaga diri elok-elok, sarapan ayang dah sediakan. ayang pi tak lama sekolah bukak ayang balik lah dengan anak-anak.. pesanan ayang..

ABANG SURUHLAH KERETA ABANG TU MASAKKAN MAKAN KESUKAAN ABANG

ABANG SURUHLAH KERETA ABANG TU BASUHKAN PAKAIAN ABANG

ABANG SURUHLAH KERETA ABANG TU GOSOKAN KEMEJA ABANG

ABANG SURUHLAH KERETA ABANG TU SIAPKAN AIR MANDI ABANG

ABANG SURUHLAH KERETA ABANG TU KEMASKAN RUMAH ABANG

ABANG SURUHLAH KERETA ABANG TU URUT-URUT BADAN ABANG

ABANG SURUHLAH KERETA ABANG TU TEMANKAN ABANG TIDUR

Love,

ayang

………………………………………….. ……………

Dear Ayang,

Bukanlah abang sayang keta tu lebih dr ayang.. tapi ayang kene faham keta tu keta bos abang. Nanti kalau ilang sapa nak ganti.. ayang abang suruh keja ayang xnak, ayang kata nak dok umah jaga anak,nak siap kan sarapan nak kemas umah tapi ayang tiap2 hari bgn tido kul 12.. macam mana nak wat keja umah..

Cuba lah ayang pk mana x abang tido dalam keta.. abang balik keja lambat skit ayang dah kunci pintu..bukan nye abang gi foya2 kan abang gi keja…lagi satu pasal piza yang ayang ngidam tu.. ayang nak piza yg di oder dr jepun.. mana lah abang ada duit nak oder.. abang nak bg apam balik yg jual kat depan ofis abang ni ayang xnak, ayang nak jugak piza dr jepun.. nasib baik abang x belikan kalau x anak kedua kita tu mesti muka cam doremon..ish xnak laa abang..

Pasal hadiah kan abang dah belikan tapi abang sembunyi kan kat dapur.. ayang yang tersalah buang ingatkan sampah… tulah abang suruh kemas umah tu ayang kata umah kita dah bersih tapi hadiah dgn sampah pun dah jadi serupa jek..hadiah tu mahal tau abang beli untuk ayang..

Sebenarnye abang sayang ayang lebih dr keta tu wlau pun hantaran masa kita kawin cuma rm8k..ayang x tau bpe kali abang turun naik bank nak wat loan rm8k..tapi demi ayang abang wat jugak..

Sbb masa tu ayang kalau mekup mmg sebijik maya karin.. tapi sejak ayang wat rebonding 3 tahun lepas stp kali ayang mekup abang terbayang lak muka pontianak dlm citer PHSM.. bukan ayang x cantik tapi kening ayang tu gi cukur wat per.. wlau pun abang selalu cukur janggut abang tapi ayang xyah laa nak cukur kening ayang tu…pasal morning kis tu, ayang bgn pun dah tghri nak morning kis cam mana.. dah laa ayang.. abang malas nak citer..

Tapi abang nak bg tau jgk kat sini ayang tetap no 1 dlm hati abang..nanti kalau naik bas tu bebaik.. ayang nak balik kpg abang izinkan Cuma jgn lupa kim salam kat mak ayah kat sana .. kalau ada gulai tempoyak ke nnti jgn lupa bwk balik skit..

Kalau ada lembu terlepas ke ayang xyah laa susah2 gi kejar lembu tu… biar jek.. nnti abang balik kpg abang kejar kan ..bukan apa takut lembu tu tanduk ayang nnti bukan stakat calar jek silap2 leh masuk hospital. abang kene tanduk xpe..

Jaga anak2 baik2 jgn bagi diorang main kat sungai musim2 banjir ni.. nak dpt anak bukan senang takut nnti ayang ngidam lagi piza jepun lak lagi haru.. baik jaga jek yg dah ada tu..ayang pun jaga diri baik2.. jgn sampai jatuh longkang lagi.. hehe.. abang mmg xnak ketawa masa tu tapi nak wat cam mana ayang jatuh kepala dulu yang masuk longkang..dah laa rambut ayang masa tu baru lepas rebonding.. mmg abang ketawa…hahahhahahahahha

Pas Kawin Nye Celita

Seorang lelaki bernama Amat yang baru saja menjalani malam pertama

bersama isteri barunya, menceritakan tentang kemusykilannya kepada seorang

sahabatnya, Mohd. Jamil.

“Wah, gila juga! Ternyata memang benar,” ujar Amat. “Kebiasaan yang

sering kita lakukan ketika masih bujang, boleh berulang pada malam pengantin.”

“Maksud kau? Sebenarnya apa yang berlaku semalam?” si Mohd. Jamil ingin

tahu.

“Begini. Kau kan tau kalau sewaktu bujang aku suka melanggan

perempuan?.”

“Ha’ah. Tapi bukan ke kau kata dah insaf dah, nak taubat selepas

berkahwin?”

“Memang la. Tapi aku tersilap buat something semalam.”

“Ye ke? Apa yang kau dah buat?”

“Kau tau, masa malam pengantin semalam, setelah selesai melakukan

hubungan, dalam keadaan mamai, tanpa sengaja aku memberikan wang RM100 pada isteri aku.”

“Wah, gila kau??!” Mohd. Jamil terperanjat.

“Bukan aku sengaja! Dah benda nak terjadi, nak buat macamana..” jawab

Amat dengan muka mencuka.

“Habis, bagaimana? Isteri kau marah ke?”

“Itulah masalahnya,” Amat menjawab. “Dalam keadaan separuh sedar dia

menjawab, ‘Terima Kasih Bang, datang lagi ya’…!”

Isi Borang [18+]

Al kisah tersebutlah kisah,

arakian berjalanlah kedua-dua pasangan yang telah lanjut usia, menuju ke kaunter imigresen, niat di hati nak pegi umrah…

Tiba di sana dimintaklah borang untuk diisi,

Isteri: abang faham ker borang tu mcm maner nak isi

Suami: ala abang ni kalau setakat form orang putih ni kacang jer

Name: Ali Bin Deraman

Age: 63

Sex: _______________

bila dah masuk bab sex ni yang payah

si suami pon bertanya isteri

suami: sex tu aper yer Yang…?

isteri: ish tanya kiter lak…. tadi kata kacang

suami: setahu abang sex ni yang itu-itu tuuuuu… (sambil mencocok telapak tangan isterinya)

isteri: iyer ker bang……… benda macam ni pon depa nak tau gak ker

suami: agak-agak abang itulah kot

isteri: abis dia nak kita tulis apa kalau pasal benda tu bang..

suami: dia nak confirm kita sihat ker tak kot……

isteri: a’ah!!! abis tu abang nak tulis apelah

suami: kita tulis ajelah apa2 yg boleh yakinkan depa yg kita ni masih sihat dan kuat

isteri: dia nak tahu berapa kerap kot………(tersenyum tersipu-sipu)

suami: a’ah! bijak juga isteri abang ni…

isteri: abang nak tulis camner bang

suami: everyday kot…

isteri: everyday tu apa bang

suami: tiap-tiap hari ler

isteri: mak aiiii!!!……… dah buang tebiat ker org tua ni, masa mula2 kahwin dulu boleh ler… abang tak malu ker tulis macam tu dah tua-tua begini

suami: iyer tak iyer jugak kan, abis tu nak tulis ape

isteri: abang tulis jer lah jarang-jarang, kan dia nak tahu kita sihat ker tak jer…. jarang-jarang tu dah kira ok aper kalau banding ngan umur kita yg dah tua ni…

suami: baiklah………abang isi jarang-jarang ajelah

Name: Ali Bin Deraman

Age: 63

Sex: Seldom

bla…bla…bla…

Di kaunter

Peg.Imigresen: Semua dah lengkap pakcik cuma satu jer yg tak jelas sangat

Ali: Apa dia nak

Peg. imigresen: pasal SEX ni kenapa pakcik tulis SELDOM

Ali: syyyyyyyyyyyhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! (pelan-pelan nak…)

Peg.Imigresen: (kenapa pakcik?)

Ali: malu nak…..

————————————————————-

Passport pon siap selepas seminggu

Suami: oh! lain kali kalau ada form tanya pasal sex kena bubuh M rupanya, macam dia tahu jer aku ni saiz M jer…….

Isteri: yang saya ni lak apsal dia bubuh F

suami: eh!eh! tengok Yang… iye tak iye gak, agaknya sebab awak selalu fail kot

Isteri: fail apernya bang?

Suami: awak kan mandul…………..

Tiga Kali Je

Pada satu malam, ada pasangan yg agak berumur sedang makan malam dengan romantiknya bagi menyambut ulangtahun perkahwinan mereka yg ke 50 tahun. 

Suaminya, seorang Tan Sri dan bekas ahli politik mula bercerita tentang nostalgia mereka suami isteri, sekian lama hidup bersama, suka duka, susah dan senang. Si suami memang menyanjung isterinnya, bernama Maria. 

"Maria, selama kita kahwin ni, suka duka kita lalui, susah senang kita tempuh, abang amat menyanyang Maria, tapi ada satu perkara yg asyik bermain-main di benak abang ni dan abang selalu bertanya-tanya. Berterus-teranglah dgn abang pada malam ni, pernah tak Maria curang dgn abang selama ni?" 

Maria agak terkedu sekejap dan merenung panjang muka suaminya itu, lalu berkata dengan penuh kekesalan, "Ya abang, Maria mengaku pernah curang dgn abang, tapi hanya 3 kali sahaja selama ni" 

"3 kali?" Tan Sri tu agak terkejut, tapi tak la marah, dah tua dah dan memang berniat utk memaafkan isterinya,"Bagaimana boleh terjadi 3 kali tu Maria?" 

Perlahan jer la isteri dia mula membuka lebaran cerita lama, "Abang ingatkan masa kita mula-mula kawin, terus beli rumah dan selang beberapa tahun, kita susah sangat masa tu hingga rumah kita hampir nak dirampas oleh bank" 

"Ya, abang ingat peristiwa tu" jawab si suami. Si isteri menyambung cerita, "Abang pasti ingat yg pada satu petang tu Maria pergi jumpa pegawai bank tu dan esoknya, bank tu tak jadi rampas rumah kita, malah bagi tambahan pinjaman utk abang mulakan perniagaan.." 

"Emmmm.. sukar buat abang menerima kenyataan ini, tapi abang maafkan maria kerana apa yg maria buat tu untuk masa depan kita jugak", kata si suami, " Kali ke 2 pulak?" 

"Abang ingat tak, abang hampir menemui maut sebab ketumbuhan dalam otak pembedahan?" si isteri menyambung cerita "Ya, abang ingat" jawab si suami. "Kalau macam tu, abang pasti ingat yg Maria ada pergi jumpa doctor pakar tu dan esoknya, dia setuju buat pembedahan utk abang tanpa bayaran apa-apa pun.." 

"Oh maria, walau perit hati ini mendengarkan, tapi abang tetap maafkan maria sebab apa yg maria buat tu untuk masa depan kita jugak dan kerana sayangkan abang jugak.. yang kali ke 3 macam mana pulak? ", kata si Tan Sri. Si isteri menundukkan mukanya dan menjawab penuh lemah, "Abang, ingat tak masa abang bertanding merebut kerusi bahagian dan abang perlukan 248 undi lagi...." 

Tan Sri pengsan kat situ jugak...

Kete Penuh Doh....

Satu keluarga yang berasal dari Terengganu nak balik beraya di

kampung. Tapi cuma ada sebuah Kancil je untuk tujuh orang ahli

keluarga tersebut. Maka si ibu kepada keluarga tersebut pun

berkata,

Ibu : Guane nih…..penuh kete. Dok muak ayoh mu wey!

Ayah : Betul jugok. Guane nok buak nih ?. Lamo dok sapa

kampong.

Ibu : Tujuh oghang dokleh sumbak masuk kete kancil nih. Kecik

do’oh.

Mereka pun memerah otak memikirkan macam mana nak

menyelesaikan masalah tersebut. Ruang terlalu sempit untuk tujuh

orang. Tiba-tiba anak mereka yang paling kecil berkata,

Anak : Abah, Umi…..Awang tau doh guane nok buak. Kite sekarang

ade tujuh oghang. Tamboh la soghang lagi, baru jadik ‘LAPANG’…!!!

Dorm Rules

On the first day of college, the dean/principal addresses the students pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180.

ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?".

To this, a male student in the crowd inquires: "HOW MUCH FOR A SEASON PASS?"

Kanggoro

Seekor kanggaru di Zoo Melaka sentiasa keluar dari kawasan kurungannya. Menyedari hal itu, 

seorang pegawai menasihatkan seorang pekerja supaya membina pagar yang lebih tinggi. 

Menyedari bahawa kanggaru itu tidak dapat melompat tinggi, pekerja itu memasang pagar 

dengan ketinggian lima kaki.

Esoknya, pegawai itu menerima laporan bahawa kanggaru itu keluar dari kawasan kurungannya lagi. 

Pegawai itu mengarahkan pekerjanya memasang pagar yang lebih tinggi lagi. Begitulah yang berlaku 

setiap kali beliau mendapat laporan tentang kanggaru yang suka keluar dari kawasan kurungannya 

itu. Sehingga cerita ini ditulis, sudah 30 kaki tinggi pagar kurungan kanggaru itu.

Esoknya kanggaru itu terlepas lagi. Pada sebelah petangnya, selepas kanggaru itu dimasukkan kembali 

ke kawasan kurungannya, jiran sebelahnya iaitu seekor unta pun bertanya kepada kanggaru itu, "Agak-agak 

kau sehingga berapa tinggi mereka akan memasang pagar ini?". Kanggaru itu menjawab, "Mungkin sehingga 

beratus kaki, kecuali seseorang mengunci pintu pagar pada malam ini dan malam-malam seterusnya".

The Healer

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you & I will heal you." 

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin. 

With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

The Pilot

3 people were on a plane. 

One said to the pilot, "I have a glass bottle. What do I do with it?" The pilot told him to throw it out the window. 

The second one asked the same question and the pilot also told him to throw it out the window. The third one asked the pilot, "I have a bomb. What do I do with it?" The pilot told him to throw it out the window. 

When they landed they met a man crying. When asked why he was crying, he replied, "Because I got hit in the head with a glass bottle. They met a woman who was crying for the same reason. Then the met a man laughing. 

They asked him why he was laughing and he replied, "Because I walked by a building and farted. Then the building blew up.

Panglima & Rakannya

Tahun 1441- Sebelum memulakan perjalanan menuju ke medan perang, seorang panglima menemui rakan yg cukup dipercayainya.

PANGLIMA: Simpan anak kunci ini! Jika aku tak kembali, kau bukakanlah cawat besi isteri ku. Aku izinkan dia berkahwin dengan sesiapa yg disukainya.

RAKAN : Baiklah sahabat ku.

Menjelang petang, ketika panglima bersama tenteranya berehat di sebuah lembah, kelihatan di kejauhan seorang lelaki menunggang kuda cukup pantas menuju ke arah kumpulan tentera itu. Setelah hampir, barulah panglima mengenalinya - dia ialah rakan yg cukup dipercayainya itu.

RAKAN : MAAF.. PANGLIMA BAGI KUNCI YANG SALAH!!

Wanita Tua Bermisai [18+]

Ada Seorang Wanita Tua Yang Sedang Naik Bas Express Dari Kota Kibalu Ke Sandakan (sabah).

Dalam Menempuhi Perjalanan Yang Lamanya Lebih Kurang 5-6 Jam Baru Sampai Ke Destinasi.

Sesampainya Di Kundasang, Wanita Tua Itu Tetiba Nak Buang Air Kecil, Tapi Wanita Tua Itu Berkata Dalam Hati

“Nantilah Sampai Kat Ranau Baru Buang Air Kecil”.

Dalam Perjalanan Dari Kundasang Ke Ranau, Tetiba Ada Trafik Block (Run Block). (So Faham2 ler Klau Run Block Bermakna Jalan Jem N Ambil Masa).

Tahan Punya Tahan, Wanita Tua Itu Pun Terkencing Dalam Bas. Ketika Dia Kencing, Serpihan Kencing Itu Terkena Pada Seorang Pegawai Polis Yg Sedang Buat Pemeriksaan Di Bawah.

Dengan Rasa Marah Pegawai Polis Tersebut Naik Ke Atas Bas. Lalu Berkata Dengan Penumpang

“Siapa Tadi Yang Meludah Kebawah Sehinggakan Aku Pun Terkena Ludahannya Itu?”

Maka bangkitlah Wanita Tua Tadi “Saya Tuan”.

Pegawai Polis Itu Pun Berkata “Ah, Kau Diam Wanita Tua. Bukan Kau Tadi Yang Ludah Aku Sebab Aku Nampak Yg Ludah Aku Tadi Bermisai!!!”

6 Minggu, 6 Bulan & 6 Tahun

Sebelum Tido:

6 minggu: Selamat tido Sayaaang, mimpi indah-2 ya, mmmuach.

6 bulan: Tolong matikan lampu tu, silau aah.

6 tahun: Sana sikit lah… Tido kalau tak mengepit tak bole ker???!

Pakai Toilet:

6 minggu: Tak apa, U masuk ler dulu, I tak kisaaahhhh

6 bulan: Masih lama lagi ke nih?

6 tahun: Brug! brug! brug! (suara pintu digegar), kalau nak bertapa pilah gunung ledang sana!!!

Balas SMS:

6 minggu: Iye Sayang, jap lagi I sampai rumah. Sayang, I belikan murtabak favourite U ye Sayang..

6 bulan: Trafik jam aah

6 tahun: K..

Dating process:

6 minggu: I love U, I love U, I love U.

6 bulan: Of course I love U.

6 tahun: Iyalah!! kalau I tak cintakan U, buat apa I nikah dengan U???

Pulang Kerje:

6 minggu: Sayaaang, I dah balik nih…

6 bulan : I’m BACK!!

6 tahun: Masak apa hari ini??

Hadiah (ulang tahun):

6 minggu: Sayang, I harap U suka cincin yang I beli untuk U ni

6 bulan: I beli lukisan, nampak sesuai dengan suasana ruang tengah

6 tahun: Nih duit, U beli sendirilah apa yg U nak..

Telefon:

6 minggu: Baby, ada yang ingin berbual ngan U di telefon nih

6 bulan: Eh… Your call…

6 tahun: WOOIII TELFON BUNYI TUUUHHH…. ANGKAT AAAAAHHH!!!

Masakan:

6 minggu: Wah, tak sangka I, pandai U masak.Rasa pun sedappp…!!!

6 bulan: Kita makan apa malam ini??

6 tahun: HAH!! LAUK INI LAGI?

Memaafkan:

6 minggu: Sudahlah, tak apa, dah pecah pun, nanti kita beli lagi yang lain,eh

6 bulan: Hati-hati, nanti jatuh tuh.

6 tahun: Orang dah bilang berkali-2 pon tak paham!!

Baju baru:

6 minggu: Aduh sayang, U seperti bidadari dengan pakaian itu

6 bulan: Lah… Beli baju baru lagi?

6 tahun: DAH BERAPA RIBU HABIS BELI BAJU TU???

Merancangkan Holiday:

6 minggu: Macam mana kalau kita jalan-jalan ke Amerika atau ke tempat yg U nak honey?

6 bulan: Kita ke Bukit Bintang aje ler… Senang sikit tak perlu naik flight…

6 tahun: JALAN-JALAN??? DUDUK RUMAH AJE TAK BOLEH KE? BUANG DUIT JE!

TV:

6 minggu: Baby, kita nak tengok cite apa malam ini?

6 bulan : Sekejap eh, citer bagus ah.

6 tahun: JANGAN TUKAR-2 BOLE TAK..

4 Son

These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

Jokes, Sing & Sad Stories

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. 

Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way." 

At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. 

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

Tingkap Kaca

Suatu hari 2 orang kanak-kanak sedang berbual di sebuah taman. 

Mereka bernama Amin dan Susan 

Susan: "Min, kenapa kau sedih?" 

Amin: "Ayahku masuk penjara." 

Susan: "Kenapa?" 

Amin: "Ayah pecahkan kaca tingkap..." 

Susan: "Hah...pecahkan kaca tingkap pun masuk penjara?" 

Amin: "Dia pecahkan tingkap kapal selam." 

Susan: "Patut le..."

Dapur KO Bersih Laa

Sepasang suami istri merayakan ulang tahun perkahwinannya dengan makan malam di sebuah restoran. Ketika mereka hendak meninggalkan restoran tersebut, mereka ditanya oleh pemilik restoran yang berdiri di pintu. 

Pemilik : "Bagaimana perasaan Anda terhadap hidangan dan layanan kami?" 

Lelaki : "Ada satu perkara yang boleh saya katakan.. Anda memiliki dapur yang paling bersih di bandar ini." 

Pemilik : "Dapur yang paling bersih?... Anda kan tidak pergi ke dapur. Bagaimana Anda boleh tahu yang dapur kamilah yang paling bersih?" 

Lelaki : "Sebab.. Semua makanan yang kami makan berbau sabun."

Old Money

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Good & Bad News

An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."

Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."

Patient: "OH NO! That's awful! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???"

Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."

Misc. Funny Quotes [unattributed].

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here. 

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?

No one ever says It's only a game, when their team is winning.

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Old is when the porn movie you bring home is Debby Does Dialysis.

The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don’t pick that up, you don't know where it's been

Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press "1" repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press "2".

If you have multiple personalities, please press "3", "4", "5", and "6".

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.

No one will answer.

Medical Quickies

A guy goes to the doctors and says "Sometimes I feel like a teepee and others a wigwam."

The doc says, "You're two tents."

2 SARS bugs leave the pub after a night of drinking one turns to the other and says, 'Bloody Hell, I could murder a Chinese.'

A lady walked into a pharmacy & spoke to the pharmacist. She asked: "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," He answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked "I can if I take two," he answered.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

What's yellow and can't climb stairs? Its my spastic and I'll paint it whatever color I choose

What's blue and doesn't fit? A dead epileptic.

Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: It depends on how much life insurance the light bulb has!

Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One, but it takes six visits!

Ayam Panggang

Razak pergi ke sebuah restoran kegemarannya dan 

memesan ayam panggang seekor..Beberapa minit kemudian pesanannya sampai... Tapi sedang dia menikmatinya makanannya.. pelayan yang lain menghampirinya dan berkata.. 

"Maaf, Encik... Itu sebenarnya pesanan lelaki yang ada 

di sana itu. Dan ini merupakan stok ayam terakhir 

yang kami ada... Maaf ya Encik." Razak menoleh ke arah lelaki yang ditunjuk, ternyata badannya besar dan gagah.. lalu berkata,"Kerana terlanjur sudah makan sedikit..jadi ayam ini milik saya. lagi pun saya juga membayarnya." 

Sementara si pelayan restoran nampak kebingungan, 

lelaki gagah tadi dengan wajah marah 

sambil membawa pisau menghampiri Razak. 

"Hai budak.. jangan sentuh lagi..!! Apapun yang akan 

engkau lakukan terhadap ayam itu akan aku 

lakukan juga terhadap engkau. Kalau kau potong 

kakinya, aku akan potong kaki engkau. 

Kalau engkau potong perutnya, aku akan potong juga 

perutmu. Pendek cerita.. apapun yang engkau 

lakukan, akan aku lakukan juga pada engkau." 

Razak terdiam beberapa minit.. lalu perlahan-lahan 

Dia mengangkat ayamnya, membawa ke mulutnya 

dan menjilat bontot ayam tersebut...

Tetamu Selamba Adap

Seorang lelaki menghampiri rumah jirannya dan mengetuk pintu... 

Ketika wanita muda tuan rumah itu membuka pintu..lelaki itu bertanya... 

"Cik Puan... adakah cik puan pandai bermain seks?" 

Kerana terkejut... wanita muda itu menghempas pintu rumahnya dengan 

perasaan marah... Namun, lelaki itu tetap mengetuk pintu rumah tadi dan 

bertanyakan soalan yang sama. Kali ini wanita muda itu menjerit sekuat hati 

sambil mengusir jirannya yang tidak senonoh itu... 

Malamnya.. wanita itu telah menceritakan kejadian memalukan siang tadi 

kepada suaminya. Suaminya berjanji akan menunggu lelaki biadap itu keesokan 

harinya jikalau dia datang lagi. 

Ternyata benar... keesokan harinya lelaki yang sama datang lagi dan 

mengetuk pintu. Wanita itu segera membuka pintu sementara suaminya 

bersembunyi sambil memegang senapang... 

Lelaki itu terus bertanya.. 

"Cik Puan... Cik Puan ni pandai tak main seks?" 

"Mestilah pandai.. kenapa encik bertanya soalan ini?" 

jawab wanita itu dengan berani... 

"Baguslah kalau pandai..." kata lelaki itu... 

"Kalau begitu.. puaskanlah suami cik puan dan beritahu dia supaya menjauhi 

isteri saya!!!"

Nursing Home

One day a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.

The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you well", they ask.

“It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let me fart."

Kasihkan Isteri

Pak Mat adalah seorang penduduk sebuah pondok di Selatan Thailand. 

Pada pertengahan bulan Mei yang lalu isterinya yang bernama Maznah telah 

meninggal dunia kerana diserang penyakit jantung. 

Pak Mat yang berusia menjangkau empat puluhan telah diperhatikan oleh 

jiran-jirannya agak luar biasa iaitu beliau telah pergi ke kubur 

isterinya sebanyak tiga kali sehari. Pak Mat pergi pada waktu pagi, 

tengah hari dan petang untuk menyiram kubur isterinya lebih dari dua 

minggu secara berterusan. Ada setengah dari jiran dan penduduk tempatan 

beranggapan Pak Mat begitu cintakan isterinya. 

Seorang saudaranya yang terdekat telah berkata, "Awak ni terlalu sangat 

cintakan isteri sehingga sanggup berbuat demikian, yang mana tak ada 

siapa lagi di kampung ini buat begitu." Pak Mat menjawab, "sebenarnya 

sebelum Maznah hendak menghembuskan nafas yang terakhirnya, beliau 

telah berpesan kepada saya, kalau hendak kahwin pun tunggulah sehingga 

rumput di kuburnya tumbuh dahulu." 

" Oleh yang demikian saya terpaksa siram kuburnya supaya rumput cepat tumbuh......"

Doctor,,,, Doctor....

Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!

Now, now, now, settle down.....You'll just have to be a little patient.

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?

Use a pencil until I get there

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?

Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!

Didn't I see you yesterday?

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards. 

I'll deal with you later.

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?

Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me

One at a time please

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?

I never make rash promises!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I�m invisible

Who said that?

Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.

Take one of these every 4 laps!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a dog.

How long have you felt like this?

Ever since I was a puppy!

Doctor, Doctor When I press with my finger here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and here... What do you think is wrong with me?

You have a broken finger!

Doctor Doctor I feel like biscuits!

What, you mean those square ones?

Yes!

The ones you put butter on?

Yes!

Oh, You're Crackers!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains

Well pull yourself together then

Doctor, Doctor I snore so loud I keep myself awake

Sleep in another room then!

Doctor, doctor my baby's swallowed a bullet 

Well don't point him at anyone until I get there!

Doctor, Doctor I'm becoming invisible.

Yes I can see you're not all there!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog

What's wrong with that 

I think I'm going to croak 

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a vampire.

Necks please!

Doctor, Doctor my sister thinks she is a lift!

Well tell her to come in

I can't she doesn't stop at this floor!

Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me. 

Next please!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.

Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.

But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

Doctor, Doctor I'm a burglar!

Have you taken anything for it?

Doctor, Doctor I've lost my memory!

When did this happen?

When did what happen?

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a dog!

Sit!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle.

I see your point!

Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking

Do you drink a lot?

Not really - I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge

What's come over you?

Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

Do You Think I'll Live To Be 80?

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"

"Oh no", I replied, "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and B-B-Q ribs?"

I said, "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.

"No I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?"

"No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."

He look at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80?

Change Course

A gynecologist decides that he needs a change of pace, so he leaves the medical field to become an auto mechanic.

After many months laboring at auto mechanic school, the day finally comes to take his final exam.

He takes the exam and completes it in the required time, then leaves.

When he gets his exam grade in the mail, he is shocked, yet pleasantly surprised to find that his final grade on the exam is 200%.

As he reviews the exam in closer detail, he notices some remarks written by the professor, which read:

"50% for taking the engine apart correctly, 50% for putting it back together correctly, and an extra 100% for doing it all through the muffler."

Loghat Mana Yang Paling Munasabah

Timbul persoalan, loghat daerah manakah yang lebih munasabah di antara loghat utara dengan 

loghat pantai timur? 

Jawapannya: Loghat pantai timur (Kelate) adalah munasabah 

Bahasa Melayu standard: 

"Dia pergi ke rumah jiran untuk mencari emaknya tetapi setelah sampai di situ didapati emaknya tiada." 

Loghat Utara (kedah): 

"Dia pi ghumah jiran nak caghi mak dia, pi pi mak dia tak dak". 

Loghat Pantai Timur (kelate): 

"Dio gi ghumoh jire nok caghi mek dio, gi gi mek dio tak dok." 

KESIMPULAN: Tidak mungkin pipi emaknya tiada; tetapi kalau gigi maknya tidak ada memang munasabahlah!

Nobody Tells Me Anything

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse"

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me anything."